One night I was awakened by a scene from six years ago, playing in my head like a movie.
It was a bright crisp morning in New York City, filled with promise and hope. You see, I was 20 weeks pregnant with my second child. Everything about this pregnancy felt different from my first. With my first I was filled with awe and amazement but also huge surges of emotion. We didn’t find out what gender she was, but now that I know her, I realize the amount of estrogen in my body was probably off the charts. The moment she was out of me, I felt human again. With this pregnancy, I still puked till 16 weeks and bit my husband’s head off. The quiet and alone time was nonexistent, but there was a settledness to my soul.
The big day arrived. We were going to find out the gender of this sweet little person invading my body. As my small family walked down the busy street, there weren’t many words spoken. Anticipation filled the air between us. We arrived at the office, peeled off layers of coats, and waited. They finally called our names and we crowded into a tiny room. It had a big TV screen over the door that projected what the technician was seeing. That cold gel is never warm, no matter how many times they shake the bottle. Starting at the head and working her way down, she inspected every bit of this perfect person. At the very end she asked “Do you want to know the gender?”
As I held my husband’s hand, we both said “Yes!” at the same time. “It’s a boy,” she said. I had a hunch because this pregnancy felt so different, but my husband was beaming.
As we walked out of the office into the fresh air, the full revelation washed over my husband. He was so proud his chest was puffed out a little more and he walked a little bit taller. He had made a boy!
My son, who had done nothing, had already captured his father’s heart. So too it is with us and our heavenly father. He loves us simply because he made us!
I am so grateful for the reminder that my Abba father smiles on me, because so many times I don’t feel worthy of a smile. I am like the prodigal son, playing a list in my head of what I could do to earn back a right standing in my father’s eyes.
It is then the God of the universe says to my heart, “The same way your husband’s face lit up and smiled is the exact same way I felt towards you while I was forming you.”
Oh how sweet to be washed in the sense of pure acceptance and love.
And He smiled!
Hannah Zaretsky is the CEO of Estate Management (stay at home super mom of 4 kids) and has been married for 10 years to her husband Jeremiah. Hannah and Jeremiah were leading worship together even before they got married. Hannah attended Revolution School in St. Louis, MO to study worship and technology. It was there that she discovered the gift of singing the heart of God back to His people. Hannah has a particular desire to be a minister to the ministers and through worship, to bring healing to the broken-hearted. Hannah and Jeremiah have been worship leaders at Adat Hatikvah Messianic Synagogue for over 3 years.