Hello. My name is Jami, I’m about to turn 34, and I actually enjoy being single. I know that’s pretty much unheard of in this day and age, but it’s true. Save for the first few years of my teenage existence, I have pretty much always been totally fine being single. But I’ve also always felt like I was the only one okay with being single, and not just the only one okay with themselves being single, but the only one who was okay with ME being single. People have always tried to pressure me into finding someone to date, maybe because I’m Messianic and everyone in our community is obsessed with Messianics marrying other Messianics. So is this really about me or is it about them?
If you’re in a season of singleness right now, you fall into one of three categories (or perhaps more than one, for all I know):
- You’ve never been married
- You’re divorced
- Your husband or wife passed away (I know this is a women’s web site, but I also know some men may be reading this and I do not want to exclude them, because this is for everyone. So, hi to the men that are here and not ashamed to read Neshama 🙂 )
Yes, singleness can apply to you if you have previously been married, and yes, you can have more than one season of singleness in your life. Perhaps you fall into the 2nd or 3rd category and never considered yourself single. If that is you, I hope you will find reading this to be freeing for you, and that it will help release you into the next stage of your life. It’s okay. And if you fall into the first category and have never been married before, I want you to take a breath and slow down. Why are you rushing?
Let’s talk for a minute about what’s so great about being single. First of all, I am 100% positive I am not presently in a relationship with someone I am never going to spend the rest of my life with. When you date someone you aren’t going to marry, you’re dating somebody else’s spouse. Let me say that again. When you date someone you aren’t going to marry, you’re dating somebody else’s spouse. I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with dating somebody when you aren’t sure if the relationship will lead to that point, so please don’t hear that. What I am saying, is when you date someone without the intention of eventually moving towards marriage, you are not being fair to them, you’re not being fair to their future spouse, you’re not being fair to yourself, and you’re definitely not being fair to your future spouse. I don’t know how many people take that into consideration, or anything other than “having fun” when they date casually, but it’s something we need to think about. It’s not just about us, and you have no idea what kind of ripples will be caused from intentionally dating someone you know isn’t right for you.
Being single also means I don’t have anyone present to worry about in decision making or life changes. I don’t have to see if it’s okay with my husband for me to go to dinner with friends, to not cook or clean something, to have a pet or not have pet, or to change careers or congregations, or go back to school, etc. I’m also in a really weird transition in my life right now. In the last few months, I’ve found myself simultaneously without a home and without a job. And as stressful as it is to go through this and worry about myself, I just keep thinking about how grateful I am that I don’t have a husband and children to worry about during this time too.
But the most important thing about my single season is that G-d is working on me and preparing me for my husband. I know I’m not in a relationship with my husband before I’m ready to be his wife. I’m not bringing broken things into my marriage, because G-d is helping me take care of my broken pieces and my dirt and pruning my dead branches before He will bring me into THE relationship. And I want to get rid of as much hurt and brokenness before that relationship begins, so that I don’t bleed all over my husband. Because he’s going to have his own hurt and dirt and brokenness and the last thing he’ll need is for me to make it worse for him, by piling even more on top of all of what he has to deal with in his own life.
But God is definitely taking me on a journey right now. A while ago I happened upon an Instagram account about G-dly dating, and let me tell you, everything they post there is just absolute gold. And I mean EVERYTHING. About five or six months ago they started advertising a five day pray for your future spouse challenge. And not that I don’t believe my husband is out there, and not that I don’t pray for him ever, but as I said at the beginning of this blog post, I enjoy being single. So this particular challenge wasn’t really on my radar, except that G-d started tugging at my heart, and I felt very convicted to participate. So I went through the challenge. It was only going to be five days, not every day for the rest of my life, and I had nothing to lose. During the challenge, they would have an online morning corporate prayer session and at night they would have a speaker. And I have to tell you how blessed I was by this. Maybe it wasn’t even for my future husband, but for me (but probably both at the same time). I was not expecting to get anything out of this, but at the end of the five days I felt like a COMPLETELY different person than I did five days prior. Now I think that is saying something.
The other thing that happened during the five day challenge is the people presenting it started advertising for a program they run for single people which is basically a series of courses that help you prepare to be a good spouse. Here’s another thing that wouldn’t normally interest me, except that, once again, G-d started tugging at my heart and I could not ignore that, so I enrolled. And I just graduated from the program this past weekend. I have to say I am so glad I went through it, and I would recommend it 110% to anyone else in their single season. Not only does it give you advice on how to live while you’re single, have a mini deliverance program, and stories from people on how they prepared for marriage and how their preparation helped them/what they wish they had or hadn’t done while they were single, but you also get a community. Not only is there a very active private Facebook group for everyone (which is basically like a singles support group, if you will), but every major city in the US (and some outside of the US) seems to have a monthly local meet up for those involved in the program. It’s great to get together with like-minded people. A lot of us have friend groups that have people who are both married and single and it is nice to have a group of people who are also in their season of singleness.
And when I say, “season of singleness,” don’t forget that singleness really is a season. Yes, some people are called to permanent singleness, but G-d isn’t going to give you a desire to be married if that’s not going to be part of your life at some point. So trust His timing on bringing your spouse, and ask what He needs you to do in order for that to happen. Remember that He is working on your future spouse as well, and sometimes it’s what they’re doing that’s keeping you apart (but sometimes it’s also you).
And if you’ve never been married and the reason you feel like you’re in such a hurry to get married is because you’re worried about being too old to have children…just remember that Sarah was 90 years old when she gave birth to Isaac. Our G-d is the G-d of miracles and if He can give Sarah a child at 90, He can give you a child at 30 or 35 or 40, etc. And it may not be through your own body, but by fostering or adoption. Or perhaps your future spouse will come to you having already had children and you will become a step-parent. But don’t let the want of children be a factor in marrying the wrong person, because you do not want to wind up in a bad marriage because you needed to have children on your own timeline.
Some Bible verses to meditate on:
I charge you, daughters of Jerusalem, do not arouse or awaken love until it so delights. Songs of Songs 8:4 (TLV)
Adonai is good to those who wait for Him, to the soul that seeks Him. Lamentations 3:25 (TLV)
Every branch in Me that does not bear fruit, He takes away; and every branch that bears fruit, He trims so that it may bear more fruit. John 15:2 (TLV)
If you’d like more specifics on the resources Jami recommends for single people, you can contact her directly: MessianicMeow@gmail.com