If you’re reading this, you may know me as funny, but you don’t know me as sad, lost, listless. In the last year and a half I’ve been busy making myself known as a comedian in the Messianic world, but like most comedians and more than three million American adults, I struggle with depression and anxiety. In fact, I have been battling this off and on since I was 10 years old, and after losing the closest person to my heart to suicide six years ago, I decided I was never going to be silent about it again. So instead of making jokes, I want to talk about feeling lost, because I think a lot of people suffer in silence about these aforementioned dark feelings and I want you to know that you’re not alone.
I’m in this sort of limbo in my life right now. I’m about to turn 33, I have no children, I have no career, and I’m not married. I was married in my mid 20s, but, despite my best efforts, I could not make it work. Most of my friends right now are at least 5-10 years older than me or 5-10 years younger than me. I’m straddling two worlds and I don’t know if I’m supposed to be a mom or still be a kid, so here I am feeling completely lost.
I’ve always felt lost in some way, but it feels like I keep getting more and more lost as I get older, even though I thought I would have found my destination by this point in my life, but that’s not the case. Granted, a lot of this has come from having been 19 years old and starting a long run far from God’s plan for my life, because I was not ready. All that’s gotten me is on the wrong path, and I feel lost.
But I’m not lost. I may feel lost, but God knows exactly where I am. Maybe I’ve gotten off track because I was scared of what God had for me. I spent a long time running away from it and now I am trying to find my way back. Or maybe God has hidden me until the time is right for me to get where I’m going.
It’s easy for us to lose sight of the fact that sometimes it is part of God’s plan to hide us for a time, just as Joseph was separated from his family, sold to be a slave, and eventually found himself in prison in a foreign land. God had hidden him, because it was better for him to be in prison than to be with his brothers. Everything he went through prepared him for his destiny. Maybe we feel like we are in a prison, when actually it is just not the right time for us to be where we are going. We have to go through trials to prepare us for God’s great plans.
If you’re reading this today and you feel sad, lost, or listless, I want you to know that you are not lost. You are not buried. You are not in prison. You are a seed. God has planted you, and the soil around you may feel dry, but you are getting the exact amount of water and light that you need in order to bloom and become exactly who God wants you to be.
Say to those with anxious heart, “Be strong, have no fear!” Behold, your God! Vengeance is coming! God’s recompense—it is coming! Then He will save you.
Isaiah 35:4 TLV